Closing of a Chapter

This has been a hard week for me. I feel like writing it out and talking it through will help, but I don't really have this post laid out in my head so please forgive me if it comes out jumbled.

For the past 6 years this week has been one of excitement and anticipation with adrenaline carrying me past my natural energy levels. It has stayed the same through the other parts of my life that seem to change. I've heard countless speakers deliver dynamite messages on leadership and personal growth. I've been challenged and humbled and seen creativity like I've never known it before.

It is Catalyst week. And it is the first time since 2005 I haven't been involved.

I noted the start of this week with hesitation and by Friday I felt heart ache like I had just gone through a break-up. You see, the Catalyst conference was my favorite part about working at Giant. It is the reason I got involved with the company in the first place back in 2005. And this year just reminded me that I'm no longer there. I remember thinking in February as I was ushered out the doors that maybe I would be in a better place by October so I could come back and still be a part of the conference team. As it turns out, I'm not there yet. I'm still hurt over having to leave and being so quickly discarded by a company I worked hard for and by people I respected.

I was asked to take up my position again this year and without a second thought I said YES. Then right after I hung up I had second thoughts. The Holy Spirit was shining a spot light on part of myself that I haven't dealt with before. I'm often willing to disregard myself (not in the admirable way) in order to be a part of the "cool" thing or "cool" group. It happened in elementary school with the popular girls. It happened in middle school with my perceived social status. It happened early in high school when I had the choice between sticking up for my best friend or flirting back with a certain boy. It was happening again this year with Catalyst. After hanging up, I realized that I had just committed to work 4 long, hard days on my feet, training and running a team of 10-12 volunteers and selling my heart out all for a company that was so quick to get rid of me earlier in the year. They don't care about me and yet I was willing to turn the blind eye to that glaring fact and use all of my energy to make money for them just so I could have an all access badge and walkie-talkie. I had to call Amberly back and tell her I had spoken too soon and this year wasn't going to work. I really feel like that was the right decision.

You know that part after a break-up when you want to still call the person and be in touch? That's what I was like this week. I had to sit on my hands to not text Amberly or just show up while they were setting up or even during the event. I talked to people last night who had been to the event and I wanted to hear details and know how it went. Like checking up on an old boyfriend. I was a little sad when I realized that I was holding out hope that they would call me and tell me they needed me there or that the event wasn't the same without me. That call wasn't coming.

I know reading this, it probably seems a little crazy just about an event. But thinking through it last night I realized that part of the heart break is linked to not being a part of something that I've been a part of for so many years. There are few things that I'm a part of these days and I always thought this was a constant. Catalyst isn't the be-all-end-all. Clearly, life will go on. To me, it has just been the confirmation of change of season and closing of a chapter. I'm trusting there is good that will come from all of this and I hope I can catch a glimpse soon.